As someone who has spent the last two years coping with clinical depression I know what it’s like to think you’re never going to happy. Hell, I know what it’s like to feel like you’re not even going to be ok, or even functional. Hopelessness and defeat are two feelings I know very well, and have only become more intensified in the last month since my Father’s untimely death. There’s been a substantial amount of loss and hurt and there are days and weeks where I’m overwhelmed by just how hard life is.
But you know what? There’s no sense in giving up.
When I was depressed to the point of not going to school (I failed a whole semester, isn’t that fun? Working on changing all of those grades right now and trying to get into college on time. Mental illness is fun.) I lost faith in myself. I didn’t care about myself enough to change my situation. Because even though depression is a chemical imbalance and something I don’t have complete control over, I can manage it. It’s all about will power. Deciding that you deserve to be happy and you’re going to work for it. At least in my circumstance. I know it’s very different for everyone. But that’s how I overcame it. I focused on my health and my happiness and the cloud just began to fade (ok, and I was aided by anti-depressants, but I’m almost positive they were placebos).
In the end, my life was my responsibility and I was done not doing anything, and feeling useless, hopeless, and negative about life. That wasn’t who I used to be and it isn’t who I am. Your life is only as good as the effort you put into it, as far as I’m concerned. And for me recovery started with finding happiness, which again, for me, was rooted in my health. I had a loving childhood, did well in school, had (and still have) good friends, but what was really holding me back in my life was that I wasn’t actually taking care of myself. I was pleasing others and doing what they thought I should do in order to have a full life instead of what I wanted. I kind of lost any sense of who I was that way, and my therapist and I are pretty sure that was the root of my depression (well, that and it runs in the family).
Anyway, I’m going off on tangents.
The point is, there are people in the worst situations that perservere and are content with their lives every day. It’s all about how you look at life and what you do with it.
So yeah. I failed a semester of school, ruined a lot of opportunities that I could have had (I probably could’ve gotten into any school I wanted prior to my meltdown…) am still dealing with depression and my Dad just died before I even got out of High School. I’m a bit of a mess right now.
But you know what? I’m okay. I have people who love me, I have my health (which I’m becoming quite the geek about…I checked out a bunch of nutrition textbooks from the library last week) and even if my life doesn’t go as planned, I’m going to be just fine. There are a million ways of doing things, and I don’t have to limit myself. It’s kind of cool, actually.
This was no coherent at all. Hah. I’m sorry.